Me? Not so hot. There was a moment when I finished scrubbing the bathroom floor and thought, "Yes, a clean bathroom is splendid!" Last night around midnight, I couldn't sleep and my sister had just return home from work, so together we watched Food Network TV. Then she said she wanted to make pork chops & mashed potatoes tonight for dinner. Splendid! In church, I held hands during the "Our Father" with the person next to me without wondering about communicable diseases. That's a splendid step forward for me.
Other than that, sorrow irritated my sight & my peace. When it comes to Kyrie's foundation, our overall goal is to fight pediatric brain cancer. That seems so big, and we seem so small. Will we be able to move someone to care enough to give? Will the giving be enough?
And then ... I miss her. I miss what she did—simply being—for Jordan & Lacie and the rest of our families. A harmless social exchange about God answering someone's complicated prayer sent my mind into a tailspin. Our request wasn't complicated. It wasn't asking for relief from our own decisions. It wasn't for ourselves. And it wasn't answered.
For anyone who is left behind, death is something you never really get over. It will never be okay. It's simply a matter of figuring out a way to live with it. Once you accept its permanency, you then figure out exactly how it will be with you. And maybe the how changes: one day up, the next down, and back again.
I'm trying to keep this in mind:
Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, a duty: believe me that the angel's hand is there, the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing Presence. Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty beneath its coverings, that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage, then, to claim it, that is all! But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are pilgrims wending through unknown country on our way home. -Fra Angelico
5 comments:
Oh Megan, I hear your heavy heart today. You miss her and you are going to miss her until you are together physically with her again. It isn't fair..it just isn't. There is nothing that is ever going to make it fair. I share in those thoughts with you. Each step forward is one step further..so what do you do? Stay here, or walk forward?..It's an agonizing tug of war. Only your heart will determine the what, when, and how.
My moment of splendor came when my husband and I decided to go out to dinner without the kids. We dropped them off and lately when things are quiet, I have moments of sadness and unfortunately that is usually our date night. This one started off no different. A sad song on the radio (beautiful really) about an old man walking his wife "home" for the last time came on. My thoughts instantly turned to Kyrie and tears filled my eyes. I just turned to my husband and said, sorry honey here we go again..me crying on our date night. After we sat at the table and talked a while a man with an elderly woman sat down near us. They recognized the people sitting near them and the man introduced them by saying, "Mom, this is so and so, they were at Gloria's service last week, and this is Gloria's mom." And they reminisced for a brief minute. Then I realized Gloria was his wife that had just gone to heaven. He was having dinner with his mom-in-law. How precious and tender. My heart heavy for them now, too. Moments later he bowed his head and prayed the most beautiful, charismatic prayer. Lord, thank you for this, thank you for Gloria, thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross..Lord you are worthy..it was all I could do not to jump up and pump my fist and shout, AMEN! I think I may have said amen loud enough for others to hear. Ahhh..that was splendor...I felt God's splendor in that room..It's worth it..the good that we are doing..I left with a sparkle in my eye and a renewed perspective on my mission. I figured out something very important in that moment..Why does this feel good to be giving and doing...because I no longer have both feet in THIS world..Now I have a foot already gone to eternity..Where they are.
Just don't lose heart, there are so many people waiting to give and this is a worthy cause. One foot in front of the other today. Sometimes that's all you can do, and that is ok. Tomorrow could have more ups than today. Huge hugs, motherof2
Hey Meg. It's not just a cliche when they say that sorrow and grief "come in waves". That's just how it is...I think the waves eventually become less intense and gut-wrenching, but never go away completely. I for one am not sure I want the gnawing to go away completely. I want to hurt, even if a little, that's how I know this is all real and that Kyrie really was here and really changed me and she's REALLY waiting with my sweet Jesus...for that sweet day that we'll all be together again.
So what if we don't raise enough money to CURE all pediatric cancers...we'll do what we can and we'll do it with a passion that Kyrie would be proud of. Like mother of 2 said, we can move forward or stay right where we are. I for one can hear a little voice in my heart saying..."Go, Go, Go!"
My splendor comes in every day moments that used to make me insane. When my children aren't being quite as nice as they should or Mason decides to say or rather SHOUT in his 4 year old voice that the store clerk has crazy pink hair! Those are moments that until lately would have sent me over the edge. Now, we simply laugh and thank God that we HAVE those moments. We are thankful that those not so precious moments have now become precious.
Tons 'o Love,
Melissa
my mother believed, as I do too, that God knows your days and when you will return to Him. I often wonder had my mother not had a massive heart attack, would she have been in a car wreck? It sounds morbid to think such things. My 3 year old told me last week that she was going to go get Grammie so papa and I wouldn't be sad anymore. Sounds simple enough to me! Right now we are talking lots about Heaven and God, and it is a great challenge to explain a concept to a child that you don't quite understand yourself! My mother, Kyrie, and all our other loved are much more alive that any of us here on earth. I think we should try to make ourselves more alive each day, and someday we will be whole, alive, and perfect with God. I believe that what you are doing starting this foundation is helping expand Kyrie's legacy....
And by the way, I need another XL tshirt on my order....there needs to be a little more Go Kyrie Go in Maryville!
Well said, Erin. I think there needs to be a lot more "Go, Kyrie, Go!" in Maryville, Wichita, Kansas City, and all over the world. If each of us can take ownership of the opportunities to do good on a day-to-day basis, no matter how small those things might seem, then we can accomplish great things.
"If we all did the things we are really capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison
Since I have been working with Agape'Care Cradle (a non-profit infant mortuary that provides funeral and memorial services at no cost for infants), I have found myself in this type of sorrowful/doubting state several times. I, too, have wondered, is this really going to help these families in the midst of such a tragic experience? Is the small amount of time I spend going to amount to anything good when these families are swimming in deep pools of grief? Is it worth the "small" effort? I think of the families and all of the "simple prayers" that have been poured out yet seem to go unanswered...and then I have to step back and remind myself, "It's not about us; it's ALL about Him."
Those prayers--those simple, selfless requests never go unanswered. They may not be answered the way we WANT them to be answered, but they are indeed answered according to the perfect will of the amazing God we serve! Of course, our humanness ways tend to make us dwell on ourselves and what we have lost. Yet, while I claim to be a child of the King, I must remember that this is what it's all about! How exciting! My motive for attending church Sunday after Sunday, my motive for being a church pianist, the whole reason for making Christ the Center of my life, the whole reason I'm able to stand firm and press onward, the whole reason I continue to cry out those prayers that may not be answered the way I see fit...is because I want to solidify the fact that YES, I AM just "a pilgrim wending through unknown country on my way home"--and Kyrie is already there, safe in the loving, strong, protective, sweet arms of Jesus!...exactly where I want to be! And, at that point, when I can put everything else out of my mind, and know for a fact that the minute my eyes close for the final time on Earth my feet will be dancing on streets of gold, I'm assured...YES! it is SO worth it!
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