Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The state of today.

A couple of days ago motherof2 asked how things were for the family personally. Her question made me stop and take stock of how Kyrie is woven into our lives today. The following thoughts are just from an aunt's point of view. Jordan & Lacie will share their perspective in a few days.

I can tell you that not a day goes by that I don't think about that little munchkin. Whether I'm in a stressful meeting or in an airplane or weeding the flower garden, Kyrie makes it very easy for me to keep a healthy perspective on life and people. Much of the stress in meetings doesn't matter. Flying in an airplane is a miracle. What you do right now with your time makes a huge difference in the future.

I intentionally think of her more often when I'm up against a difficult person. She keeps me collected and focused, reminding me that this, too, shall pass. She reminds me of the sweetness I need to discover in each 24-hour span, as if I'm looking for wild honey every day. She reminds me that each day that passes is a day that we're closer to heaven.

There are frequent, blinding flashes of pain, too. It's usually when I least expect it, like passing an endcap in Target filled with glittery, girly shoes. I am awash with red heat when I hear someone complain about his or her healthy child. This time of year, my jaw tightens and my throat feels full just seeing Easter decorations. I still have a white chenille headband with pink bunny ears that I bought for her but never had the chance to give.

I deflate whenever I hear of another child/family fighting brain cancer. In half a second, images of two years ago speed across my mind's eye like the pages of a flip book. The shock. The heartbreak. It aches in a place that will never find the air to heal.

And then I take a deep breath, knowing that we're doing something--we're really, really doing something to change the world.

I see her everyday in some way, and I especially see Kyrie in her little brother. The physical likeness is uncanny. A boy version of her big, shiny, blue eyes and round pink cheeks. He's funny now, the bud of a little sense of humor, which is exactly how Kyrie was at his age. Jordan says that he loves being outside, like Kyrie did, but he's developing his own personality, too, like when he digs in the dirt or tries to make truck noises.

I still watch Kyrie's video, sometimes as a pressure release, sometimes to make sure I don't forget. I suppose that is what people most assume as time passes. If you laugh, you must be "over it." If you take a vacation, you must be "passed it." If you talk about the pain less, you must hurt less. This is not true at all. I know for sure that the grief is still there. In the last two years, though, I've stirred the Kyrie Foundation into that grief, which has made it possible for me to breathe again.

I've never believed in that adage about God never giving you more than you can handle. I don't think that's true based on the existence of debilitating depression and suicide in our world. Plus, I think that it is really unfair to dole out more pain to those who seem to "handle it" better, meaning if you can't handle much pain, you get to have an easy life. I think it's better to think of it as "God doesn't give you anything that He can't handle."

And that's where we are today.

There comes a point when it's too much to bear. It's too difficult to understand. So we give all of our suffering back to Him. And we keep going because this is not the end.

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.
If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise,
since everyone suffers.
To suffering must be added mourning,
understanding, patience, love, openness,
and a willingness to remain vulnerable.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Sam, Sarah, Claudia, Camile, Maya, and Gabriel said...

Megan, Lacie, Jordan, all of you...are still in our prayers.

Much love,

On a side note--my husband is doing the Love Dare. On one of the days you are supposed to buy a gift for your spouse. I was surprised to get in my van the other day and find a Kyrie Foundation cookbook on my front seat!! :) And, I LOVE IT!! I've already made several things for our church Women's Ministry meetings, and they love it, too!!!

Shawna Carpenter said...

That was a beautiful entry.

Terrybeads said...

I agree with Shawna that was truly a beautiful story. And I want you all to know that they say it gets better with time. Well it is true it does get better, but when I talk about my family and the things that happened over fifteen years ago the tears still come. I don't think it's something that I want to be over. Yes I'll tuck it away and go on with life, you have to, but you just never forget... With much love to all... Terry

motherof2 said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, Megan. I will continue to pray for all of you. You have such a gracious spirit about you, it is beautiful! I love you all and thank you for letting us support you in some small way the last few years, it is an honor. I am looking forward to hearing from Lacie and Jordan as well.

Lissasings said...

Perfectly said, Megan. What a blessing to know that Kyrie's life still matters to so many...that her legacy does and will live on. To know that perfect strangers are being introduced to her every day. I completely agree that this time of year is hard. In fact, I haven't put out Easter decorations in my home since her death...I just can't do it yet.

I know that I wasn't family, I know that I didn't have a relationship with her and love her like you all did...but I love her now. I agree that forgettng her is one of my worst I keep a picture of her in my office. The same picture I had there when she was sick to remind me to pray...I won't ever take that picture down.

Everytime I see a butterfly, I think of her...I still find that when I'm having a difficult day, a butterfly will appear in the oddest places... a reminder from a little angel that I can make it through. She was so I can be too.

I am so honored to be there on the front lines with the Kyrie Foundation, fighting the fight...and some day we'll get to stand there when they announce a cure for pediatric brain cancers, I truly believe it. You're right, Meg...this is not the end.

Big Butterfly Love,

ksfaith said...

Thanks Megan for sharing your heart. As for me and my house, we are always thinking of Kyrie and praying for her beautiful family. My 3 year old was freaking out yesterday because she couldn't find her Kyrie bracelet. She LOVES it!
One day, out of nowhere, she asked me if we could play heaven so she could play with Kyrie.
I, too, think of her with each butterfly I see.
She will not be forgotten!!!