Thursday, April 19, 2007

Amateur Theology

In the last week, I've thunk myself in circles. Round and round, I keep asking questions that no one can answer. I've asked God those same questions and still no answers. I consulted the good book and ran across passages of "ask and you shall receive" and "He will not forsake you," but sorrow has consumed my ability to fully believe that right now. And then I feel guilty for doubting Him.

No less than 76 prayers each day poured from my heart for Kyrie's healing, more than I've ever said for anything. A friend of mine said that she was in her church prayerfully begging, begging--bigger & louder than she has prayed for her own children--for Kyrie. Where did all of our prayers go?

Course, all this thinking loops over and around bursts of salty tears and the new cavern in my gut. As each day passes, I feel further from her. I don't want anyone to forget her. A week has passed since her funeral. Two weeks since Jordan and Lacie took her home from PICU. Whether I like it or not, forgetting is a symptom of time, like floating is to a bubble. But ... I suppose ... technically, I'm getting closer to her, right? I'm closer to my biological end today than I was yesterday. We all are, which means we'll get to see Kyrie and everyone else in our lives that we think we've lost soon rather than later.

And that brings me to the one thing that I don't question: Kyrie is with Jesus. She is in the place of perfect, holy love, a place where we all want to be eventually. Upon that truth, all my questions must fall. A) There is a heaven. B) She's there. C) I want to be there with her and with Him. D) Jesus tells me to have faith, to believe and serve Him to get there. E) So I must have faith, believe and serve until I get my answers face to face.

Aah, faith. Within even when you're without.


Laure said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It seems that everywhere we turn these days, someone is in pain; there is no end to the suffering in the world.

I lost a my college roommate Kada to a car accident just over 3 years ago. She was 20 years old. Reading your post made me remember the agony of those first days; the tears, frustrations, and questions kept coming hour by hour. I asked, and still ask, why did God allow her to die, when we all prayed for her healing all night long, harder than we'd ever prayed for anything else. Why did he allow that to happen?

I still wonder.

I've asked God the question "Why" so many times, and the only answer that He's given me is this:

I heard from her parents recently; they're adopting a 13-year-old boy that's been in and out of foster homes for his whole life. He has a lot of problems, but they're giving him a home and parents who love him. They never would have done that if Kada had survived... And I know that if Kada could have chosen between living her whole life and giving that boy her home, she'd have freely given her life up.

I guess God knows what He's doing, even when we do not.

3KsMum said...

I came across your blog last night, and I honestly don't think I've ever been so moved by people I don't even know. What a beautiful child Kyrie was- and to know that she is now safe in the comforting arms of Jesus is beautiful in itself. I'm actually from Wichita- now live in Kansas City- and my youngest of 3 daughters is only 2 weeks younger than Kyrie- so her story hit very close to home. I only wish I had come across this blog earlier to at least get one more prayer in for Kyrie everyday. But please know that her wonderful family will have my prayers from this day on. I thank you for sharing her with us- what a lucky family you are to have been blessed, even if for a painfully short time, with such an angel. May God bless and keep you all!

Kim said...

thanks for your honsesty!!! I pray for others who might read this to see how we have to rely on fact, on faith and not just feelings.

Melissa said...

Faith, without it we have nothing. Our prayers...our begging for Kyrie's fragile life...didn't fall on deaf ears. I know that He hears us...the bible tells us that our prayers are a sweet perfume to the Lord... Our faith in the fact that He would heal Kyrie wasn't a cruel trick of His to show us how big He is and how little we are...Our God just isn't that kind of God. However, I also continue to also ask why? Once I got past the point of just being so mad at Him that I couldn't even pray...I began to see that it's true that His will for us is never to harm us. He knows the big picture...and we're not meant to know it. It's too big for us.
Unfortunately, we live in a world full of evil...the news this week has made that painfully obvious...I don't know why things like this happen to good people, to an innocent, bright-eyed, amazingly-loved baby girl. I just know that I have to believe that God is going to work even this horrible tragedy into something good. Like you said Meg, it's faith. I choose to believe that, and on it I must rely.
I too know that Kyrie is now with our Lord and Saviour...she feels no pain, she will never have to know the evils of this world. She's just there in a place that she's happy and healthy and without a care, and she won't even have a second to miss her Aunt Meg, crazy Uncle Chad, Mama or Dadda...and then she'll turn around and there you'll be...there for an eternity of love.
I know that just that thought alone renews my love for God...Kyrie will continue to be a driving force in my life...her memory will help me strive to be a good person, even when the world makes it really hard to be.
I've lost so many loved ones and friends that I long to see in heaven...but I hope and pray that I'll get to give sweet Kyrie a big hug too.
Jordan and Lacie...still praying for God's healing hands to ease your pain, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Meg, I'm praying for you too. Thank you for continuing to inspire not only me, but SO many others.

So much love,

Leah Rundle said...

I want you to know that you are not alone in questioning our father right now.
I guess all we can do is find comfort in each other and try to find the faith to believe that this was all part of his plan...
That, will take a long time.
Still sending up prayers & thoughts,

humblepie said...

Wow! Lots of great comments on this and the prior post. Thank you all so much for sharing. It takes a lot of courage. When the blog was created, I thought it would be for the prayful healing of Kyrie's condition. I never thought that this would be the place where we heal the spot in which Kyrie resides within ourselves.

many, many thanks,

nwbearcatgirl said...

I came across your blog through Spencer Barr's blog page. From the first entry until this one, the tears just kept coming. Eighteen years ago, I lost my 3 yr. old brother to a heart defect. Being only 7, I was not able to grieve in the normal way. Just recently, I have started the true grief process and much of what you wrote in this blog touched my heart profoundly.

I don't know how many times I have asked myself why. Why does a kind and caring Lord cause the little ones to suffer. You are so good to look at what positive's can come from Kyrie's life. Since my brother's death, science has advanced so that his type of defect can be corrected in utero. It is SO HARD to see and understand God's master plan, but we MUST ALWAYS remember that he does have a plan in store and also will never give us more than we can bear.

Finally, I hope that my brother, and other little angles in Heaven welcomed Kyrie into the Kingdom and are playing every day with her.

Go Kyrie Go!!